SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Hilchos Rechilus 2:1-2
In Hilchos Lashon Hara we learned about statements that can be understood in opposite ways. “There is always food cooking on the stove at the Feldmans.” This could mean that the Feldmans are always eating. On the other hand, it might mean that the Feldmans excel in hachnasas orchim, welcoming guests, and always have something cooking in case of unexpected guests.
Are such statements permissible? It all depends on how they are said. If someone smirks, rolls his eyes, and exclaims, “They’ve always got something cooking!” it seems that the intent is negative. Therefore, it is forbidden as avak lashon hara. However, if the same words are said in a soft-spoken, sincere way, then the statement appears complimentary and would be permitted.
The same rules apply to rechilus. Can someone approach Mrs. Friedman and tell her, “You know, I was talking to Adina the other day and she mentioned that you always have something cooking on the stove”? It depends on how this information is given over. If it is said in a way that implies that Adina meant it as an insult, then it is forbidden as avak rechilus.
The Chofetz Chaim points out that sometimes such statements are forbidden even though they seem to have been conveyed in a complimentary manner.
Unfortunately, there are people who are hypercritical; they never give people the benefit of the doubt, and always view matters in a negative way. When you smile and say in a friendly, sincere way, “Oh, Adina says that you always have something on the stove,” this person will snarl, “Oh, she said that, did she? What business is it of hers telling people what goes on in my kitchen?”
You might respond, “Mrs. Friedman, please don’t be upset. Adina did not mean anything bad …,” to which she will retort, “Don’t try to undo the damage! I know exactly what she meant …”
If Mrs. Friedman is such a person, one should not repeat Adina’s remark to her in any way, shape, or form.
Even if Mrs. Friedman is not such a person, one should not repeat the remark to her if Mrs. Friedman and Adina do not get along with each other. In such a case, it is likely that Mrs. Friedman will assume that Adina’s remark was intended in a negative way, even if it is repeated in a positive way.
The underlying message of these laws is: One should never say or do anything that can cause bad feelings between Jews. Jews need to love one another, to be united “like one man with one heart,” as they were when they received the Torah at Sinai.
Be’er Yosef explains that when Jews are joined in perfect achdus (unity), they are like one awesome neshama comprised of millions of individual parts. Only in such a way, as one great neshama, could the Jewish people hear the voice of Hashem at Sinai and witness all the accompanying miracles.
Without achdus, it would have been impossible to receive the Torah.
When there is true ahavas Yisrael among us, our power as a nation is incredible. Let us make sure that our words foster love among Jews, and not the opposite.
IN A NUTSHELL
Never say a complimentary statement in a way that will seem like an insult, or to a person who will interpret it as an insult.
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