SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM — Hilchos Lashon Hara 10:7-8
Before telling others, he must first speak to the guilty party in a soft tone and attempt to convince him to mend his ways.
This is rule #3 for relating lashon hara l’to’eles. This rule applies only in a case where there is a possibility that the guilty party will accept the criticism and correct the wrong that he committed. However, in a case where it is clear that he will ignore any criticism, no matter how gently and respectfully it is offered, then one is not required to speak with him first.
However, says the Chofetz Chaim, in order to speak lashon hara l’to’eles, the person must have a group of at least three listeners who will hear the report together (in a case where one must relate the information to friends or neighbors, not to the guilty party’s parents or rav.) This is necessary so that his goal will be accomplished. If he tells the report to only one or two people, the listener(s) might be thinking:
“Now, why is Shlomo being so secretive? If Meir really did drive recklessly, then shouldn’t Shlomo want more people to know about it? It seems to me that he doesn’t want Meir to know that he is talking behind his back. I wouldn’t be surprised if Shlomo made up the whole story to make Meir look bad.”
When the speaker offers his report before three or more listeners, everyone present knows that news of the report is bound to spread and will probably reach Meir’s ears. Therefore, says the Chofetz Chaim, it is as if Shlomo said his words in Meir’s presence, and his listeners will not suspect him of deceit.
Nevertheless, they are not permitted to believe his words as fact. As we have learned earlier, even when a person may listen to negative reports for important, constructive reasons, he may only suspect that they are true. In this case, though they know that Shlomo is an honest, G-d-fearing person and surely means to be truthful, they have to consider the possibility that he may have left out some detail or been unaware of some fact that would have painted a different picture. (Perhaps Meir did not want to reveal to Shlomo that the car’s faulty brakes made it appear as if he was driving recklessly.) They should take proper precautions and speak to Meir privately, confront him with the information and weigh his reaction.
If the guilty party is a difficult, angry person who, if he should find out that someone spoke against him, would take revenge, then, says the Chofetz Chaim, it is possible that the speaker could relate the information in private to one or two individuals.
IN A NUTSHELL
In most situations, lashon hara l’to’eles should be related to a group of three or more. The listeners should act on the possibility that the information is true, but should not accept it as fact.
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