Unlike the Shadchan (matchmaker) or advisor, a third party who is approached with specific questions about one of the parties is not offering advice. His primary concern, therefore, is not the sin of misleading others. His main responsibility is to be honest, and to refrain from speaking that which might constitute loshon hora.
If asked whether the other party has a specific relevant shortcoming, it is certainly correct to tell the truth. For example, if one is asked about the person’s character, and is aware that he has an uncontrollable temper, this must be told, l’toeles (for a constructive purpose). Of course, the preconditions for relating such information are required (second-hand information must be presented as such; constructive intent is required; and one may relate only that which is accurate and necessary).
If however, one is approached for information that on an objective level is irrelevant but in the eyes of this party is important, one is faced with a dilemma. To provide the information is, in effect, assisting in the unjustified abrogation of a potentially successfulshidduch. On the other hand, one does not have the right to mislead the party by way of false information, and in so doing, decide the person’s future for him without his knowledge. The Chofetz Chaim suggests that in such cases one defer by saying,” I don’t know.” (Why this does not constitute falsehood will be discussed later.)
In summation then, if, for example, an eligible young man is insistent that the woman he marries be at least four years younger than he, should never have failed an exam in elementary school, or comply with some other stipulation of seeming irrelevance, one who is asked concerning such matter should simply say, “I don’t know.” However, a shadchan may not suggest someone who does not meet these terms without first consulting a rav.
