One who knows of a shidduch in the making and has negative information about one of the parties has a responsibility – in certain cases – to offer this information without waiting to be asked.
The commandment “Do not stand aside while your brother’s blood is shed” (Vayikra 19:16) requires one to volunteer information if he is aware that one party in a proposed match has severe physical, psychological or spiritual shortcomings, which by objective standards can be expected to interfere with the marriage, and that this information is being concealed from the other party.
Once again, the conditions which permit speaking negatively for a constructive purpose must be fulfilled:
(1) The information must be firsthand or clearly stated as secondhand and not verified.
(2) It must clearly be a problem by objective standards (e.g. a debilitating disease in the person, or in the family if it is hereditary; severe psychological disorders; violent tendencies; major problems in hashkafa [outlook on basic issues of Jewish life]; an immoral lifestyle) and not a matter of personal opinion – even if one feels certain that this is not what the other party wants. It must also be clear that the information is being concealed from the other party.
(3) If it is possible to convince the party that is concealing the information, to come forth with it, that would be preferable.
(4) The information is not to be exaggerated and only that which is necessary may be told.
(5) One’s intent must be to prevent a harmful situation from coming about and not to denigrate the party spoken about. Moreover, there must be a real possibility that the information conveyed will not be ignored, so that the constructive purpose will be realized.
(6) No realistic alternative to conveying the information directly can be found.
(7) No undue harm will be caused by informing the party of the problem. Should there be reason to suspect that the party, upon learning that it has been deceived, will denigrate the other party or seek revenge in some other way, one should not get involved.
